tracing daffodils

Gold Rush

2011-11-05T13:53:00.000-05:00

When I worked at camp, one of our favorite evening activities was Gold Rush. The preparation involved choosing various rocks from the creek, spray painting them gold, silver and a barely distinguishable bronze and then chucking them back into the creek. The game involved 200 elementary school kids splashing through the water looking for said treasure. The staff knew what that evening inevitably held: standing in a cool creek on a hot evening just hanging out while 400 little feet infiltrated the water picking up every rock they found, putting it in their cabin’s bucket and hoping it would count for something.

The goal to winning the game was to be the first one in the creek while the water was still, clear and the shiny rocks stuck out like a bad game because, once the masses hit you couldn’t even see your own feet in that water from everything getting kicked up and unsettled. At that point it was game on, strategy impossible and pure luck for any treasure to be found.

I’m on my own Gold Rush these days. I headed into this school year with goals of things I wanted to accomplish, areas of my life to improve and things I wanted to learn for personal growth. I had my eye on the gold, silver and bronze.

As I have attempted to navigate the creek that is my psyche, however, I seem to have muddied the waters and disturbed the peace. I’ve kicked up assumptions that were settled into my mind and laying a false foundation for who I am. I’ve discovered new fears and recognized old ones that I thought I had conquered. I am having trouble seeing clearly, I’m not thinking clearly and while I’m pretty sure I’m holding a huge piece of gold in my hand I’m expending a lot of energy convincing myself that its just a slimy rock: thats not exactly playing to win.

How can I have any hope at ‘winning’ this game?

Psalm 37:3-7a
     “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness. Delight
      yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your
     way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth
     your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the Lord,
     and wait patiently for Him...”

Delight in the Lord and feed on His faithfulness.

Trust in the Lord and commit my way to Him.

Rest in the Lord and wait for Him.

Strategy #1: stand still.

Game on.

Responsible Irresponsibility

2011-04-05T21:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, it seems responsible to worry. I should at least be doing something while I wait for time to pass and God to move, right? There are some things I have no control over and any effort on my part will only lead to anxiety and fear. But, simply trusting and doing nothing seems...lazy and irresponsible.

When I lived with my sister and brother-in-law during the first few months of their daughter’s life, I really wanted to help out and be an extra set of hands. I wanted, so badly to be willing to do whatever needed to be done to give them a break. However, I quickly learned that I just cannot handle the variety of liquids/substances that protrude at any given time, unannounced and non-respective of any person, place or thing from the body of a newborn baby. I can’t do it. I tried. I almost protruded something of my own. But, I still wanted to be supportive. So, I found other ways to help out: running for more wipes, looking for the spit cloth, thrusting the child back to her mother. Quite often I felt the need to announce, aloud, “I’m participating!” lest anyone think that putting the baby down before I dropped her and ran for the shower was not, in fact helping.

“I’m participating, I’m participating!” Perhaps it was my own verbal confirmation that I was a part of this nurturing process, if only in a peripheral - although sometimes not peripheral enough - way.

Thats how I feel about worrying sometimes.

Tonight as I drove home, my mind waded through a list of things in my life that are heavy, unknown and beyond my control. Its a familiar list for me lately but today I was keenly aware of a new option I had. Among the list was contemplating how I should respond to the fact that beyond August 9, 2011 I have absolutely no plan for my life as well as the fact that a handful of other people are dependent on that very plan. There are several lose ends that prevent me from moving in any direction just yet so mentally, I sat in the intersection. Then it occurred to me, “You could just choose to trust that the Lord is going to make good things happen.”

I chewed on that for a minute before I rebutted (this is what happens in my brain: Be grateful I’m an internal processor) “But, I can’t just do nothing. This is my life, I should be participating.” And thats when I realized that it almost feels responsible to worry and too often, that is my way of participating: As though its honorable to the Lord to ‘engage’ in the story of my life by living in fear that he is neither sovereign nor good.

That is foolish and not helpful at all.

So, what am I to do with this open space left vacant by fear, anxiety and worry?

“Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness...” Matthew 6:33

“...let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” Hebrews 12:2

“Delight yourself in the Lord...” Psalm 37:4

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7

“My heart has heard you say, ‘Come and talk with me.’ And my heart responds, ‘Lord, I am coming.” Psalm 27:8

There is freedom is trusting the Lord. There is responsibility in taking him at his word. And with arms high and heart abandoned I can look up and say, “I’m participating!”

Snow forts

2011-01-16T18:48:00.000-06:00

At night I hear unusual sounds in my neighborhood. I live in a very urban part of the city so there are the usual city noises; sirens, cars, drunk people at midnight. But lately, I’ve been hearing dump trucks, back hoes and other diesel equipment at night. This would not be strange if one was building something but its winter, its the middle of the night and there is no room to build.

Here is what is happening: across the street from my house is a parking lot. Every third day when it snows, the plow comes through and piles the snow roughly four feet high around the perimeter of the lot. In its wake comes a little bobcat to clear the sidewalks which at times become high-traffic areas for pedestrians. Remember, I live in the city where people actually use the sidewalks for more than their garbage cans - although that too, is occasionally confusing for some. Apparently.

When all has been shoved and stacked the result is much like an adult snow-fort. Until, late in the evening, when you’re ready to settle in for the night and the construction equipment comes out to play. They fill the dump truck scoop by scoop and then haul it away never to be seen again. I have no idea where they take it but in the morning, I no longer fear a surprise attack when I get into my car.

This week as I laid in bed listening to the dump truck I realized that what happens to the snow in that parking lot is exactly what is happening in my head.

Since moving to Minnesota, I have found myself in multiple ‘storms’; small ones, beautiful ones, confusing storms and some flat out blizzards of difficulty. I have been blown away by God’s intense love for me and provision in ways I never could have anticipated. I have also been humbled in realizing that although I’ve learned a lot and grown much in the past year, I’m still learning and re-learning many of the same lessons about who I am, who defines my worth and where I find my significance.

I am encountering new things and new people constantly. So much so, that all of the thoughts and emotions that come with each experience are getting shoved to the perimeter of my mind in order to make room for my routine obligations and even more new experiences. They are building up and incubating me from relationships, growth, serving, loving and being healthy. Occasionally, I’ll wake up to find that many of these things have been mysteriously taken away -forgotten- without being processed at all. And then, I’m just tired...until the next storm begins to fall and I have a new wave of thoughts to shove and stack to the side until my routine allots time to address them.

My life is happening and I am missing it because I have lost control of my boundaries, my intention and the intimacy I once shared with my Jesus. What a shame it would be to celebrate the new year in 2012 as the same person I am today.

Well, I won’t. Because today, I will play in the snow.

Grouplink

2010-10-04T14:19:00.002-05:00

The other night I went to an event at church designed to help people get connected with a small group. It was called Grouplink and here is how it worked: everyone was asked to pre-register with contact information as well as the type of group you were looking to join. Upon arrival, there was a structured time of mingling followed by a free-flowing mingle time in which participants were encouraged to meet several of the small group leaders. The final portion of the evening was formation of the groups. This played out a little like a gym class kickball game where on the signal, everyone ran to their favorite ‘captain’ to claim a spot on the team. It was a little awkward, to say the least. In fact, the whole evening was awkward.

When I initially read about the process, my first thought was it sounded a lot like group speed dating. I was slightly appalled by that but even more so intrigued. How else would you filter a large group of people from all points on the spectrum of personality, seasons of life, preferences, etc into small communities without being completely random. So, I signed up.

You can imagine that it was to my great joy to learn that while there were two sessions of Grouplink only one was set up for those who are single. Awesome.

As I drove up to the church I tried to mentally prepare myself for the evening. Eyes on the prize, Laur: small group, community, connection. Setting all fear aside I walked in and sat down with two women who had also accepted this means to an end. Gradually, more people joined us and something wonderful happened within me; I found my confidence. It turns out I secretly thrive in awkward situations as evidenced throughout the remainder of the evening.

The free mingle portion was especially uncomfortable because no one knew anyone else and you were asked to approach at least three new people, chat it up and see if you had any ‘chemistry.’ It was a feeling similar to standing at the front of the college cafeteria, tray in hand, everyone staring at you as you scan the sea of faces for at least one that is remotely familiar. A few times in college, I would panic and start shouting in my head ABORT, ABORT, just go for the empty table before you time out and enter the pity zone! Most often a friend would quickly join me or at least someone else looking for a friend and that is what happened at Grouplink as well. The funny thing about an awkward situation like that is, everyone is awkward. We’re all on a level playing field and somehow that makes us more approachable.

So, I joined a small group and somehow left that night as the co-leader. I’m still not exactly sure how that one happened but I’m excited about it. Overall, I thought the process was effective and good. The very nature of it requires you to take some initiative and be vulnerable, two foundational elements of a successful small group.

You know, someone once told me that dating is just a bunch of awkward moments that lead you into a relationship. Maybe this church is on to something with their group speed dating approach in establishing communities. Goodness know we’ve gotten a good start on the awkward moments!

Good N Plenty

2010-09-22T16:38:00.001-05:00

Good n’ plenty - that is such a pragmatic name for a candy. Could they not think of something more fun, more enticing, more creative and less...logical? “This candy will be too sweet, this one too hard; I might need 12 more of this one but these little pink and white chewy things that look a lot like tylenol and taste like a cooking spice, they are just what I need for they are good and they will be plenty.”

And its true. Somewhere between crumbling the pink shell with your molars and gnawing through the black rope with your incisors you discover that sure enough, one or two was plenty.

Today I was reading Psalm 62: 11,12 that says One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard; that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Strong and loving; sovereign and good; good and plenty. These two core truths are the foundation for my trust in God; that He is sovereign and that He is good. I need to know that when everything in my world is new and constantly changing. I need to remember that when I’m lonely and homesick. I must believe that when I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. And I have to trust that when life as I know it doesn’t make sense.

In case you haven’t heard, I recently moved to Minneapolis, MN to work with the organization that I got to be a part of this past summer. The Lord provided a room for me to rent in a large house with three other girls about my age. The team I get to be a part of at work is great and the community beyond the office is such a gift for this season. I still can’t believe I live in Minnesota and I’m terrified of the impending winter but I’m glad to be here.

One would think that having moved four times in the past year this would come easily for me but I think this is the most difficult move yet. Everything is new. Everyone is new. I live in the city, drive three miles to work and have yet to find a Starbucks! (Yes, this is tragic) When I return home each night thats all new, too. And as you’ll recall, I am a processor so my mind is going absolutely haywire trying to process all the new personalities, group dynamics, places, cultures, responsibilities, etc. These days there is only One who is familiar and I am fighting to connect with Him, too. He is the God who has laid the path that led me here.

So, the daily challenges are to reject my fears of loneliness and failure and seek first the heart of God intentionally choosing to trust him for friendships, financial provision, and a better sense of direction; or at least the knowledge of which streets are one way only. It also helps to look at the past year and be reminded that God is most certainly sovereign, He is so good and He alone is far more than plenty.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” Lamentations 3:23-25

Day by day

2010-07-03T15:20:00.000-05:00

I feel like I need to tell you that the last entry was from my journal written in the height of an extremely difficult week. Shortly after it was written I began to come out of that pit to once again find solid ground. The time since then has continued to have ups and downs, as most things in life but never quite that low. Although I hated it, I’m grateful for the early and vivid reminder that I cannot do what needs to be done here this summer in my own strength. I continue to be reminded of that everyday which is...nice. :)

You may be wondering what a typical week looks like for me here in NOLA so I thought I’d give a little glimpse. My week begins on Sunday afternoons as we prepare for a fresh new group of students to arrive between 4:30-6:00pm. Once they come, we’re on. Sunday nights we serve dinner (pulled pork sandwiches) then I take the adult leaders (approx 14 people) and lead an orientation while my staff leads one for the students. After that we have our first Club of the week. Club is an opportunity for us to worship together, have some fun and help the students tie what their doing throughout the day in with scripture. Our theme for the summer is John 3:30, “Jesus must become greater, I must become less.” Fitting, isn’t it?!

Monday morning our daily schedule kicks in and looks like this:
6:45 Breakfast prep crew reports (which I get to lead every Monday)
7:15 Breakfast
7:45 Breakfast clean up/building clean up crew report
8:15 Devotions
8:45 Group prayer
9:00 Orientation/depart for ministry sites
3:30 Free time
5:00 Adult leaders meeting
5:30 Dinner
6:30 Depart for evening activity
9:00 Club
9:55 Church group time/staff meeting
11:15 Lights out!

During the day, while students are out on the ministry sites, I’m back at the ranch organizing site finances, making a Wal-mart run, making pre-trip calls for groups coming in future weeks, meeting with my staff one one one, running to Wal-mart, meeting with our housing contact, preparing for my adult leader meeting, stopping in to Wal-mart, preparing for my staff meeting that evening, preparing the afternoon snack, hoping to visit a ministry site and occasionally making a run to Sam’s Club. Most days look different but each one is full.

Every Monday night I go to the French Quarter, Tuesdays I help lead a Katrina tour through the community, Wednesdays we’re at a Gospel Baptist service (!) and Thursday nights we host a community BBQ at the lakefront. Friday mornings our groups leave by 9:00am and I spend the morning reading evaluations, filling out paperwork and sending really long faxes back to the Hub for my region. My team is also closing up shop(doing inventory on t-shirts, food and books), doing vehicle maintenance, filling out paperwork and heading to Sam’s Club and Wal-mart to do the grocery shopping for the following week. Once we get all of that finished, it is officially our weekend. Until Sunday afternoon...Its a crazy schedule and quite exhausting. Time management skills are essential as well as pacing.

We are now at the halfway point in the summer and I’m noticing some changes. We know the schedule and the routine now. We know what needs to be done to mobilize 70 people throughout the day. We know most of our driving directions or at least how to get back on track if/when we miss the exit. We know how to gauge the appetites of 70 high school students. We know what props are needed for the silly skits we get to do each night.

Now, we get to stop thinking so hard about the details and simply be with the students and leaders. We get to invest more in our own staff team on a personal level rather than all business. We are able to laugh when three of the five groups show up an hour or two early and we are so not ready for them. Now its more fun and less details. So, here’s to five more weeks of living, serving and being in NOLA. I am so ready!

Quicksand

2010-06-09T13:22:00.002-05:00

Quicksand, that is what my brain feels like these days. I can’t retain a thought, I can’t think ahead, I can’t think clearly. Too often I literally cannot even form a sentence. I am drowning in the weight of details. I never thought I would say that. I am discouraged and frustrated with myself because I know what I can do but based on my performance this week, no one else does. I feel like I lied in my interview about what I can do and who I am. I know I didn’t but that's how I feel.

Maybe I was too arrogant coming into this summer and now the Lord is humbling me. Maybe I’m living out the theme of the summer by force: Jesus must become greater, I must become less. I’m certainly becoming less--feeling a bit non-existent currently. Maybe its Satan twisting the knife in my weak spot. I don’t think I’m lazy because this is the stuff that makes my heart sing. I have no idea what is happening.

I suppose the question is: what does it look like to be faithful right now? To truly make Jesus greater and me less in this season when I feel like a stranger in my own skin.

Another facet of my disorientation is this fear of perceptions and judgment. What must these people be thinking of me, the ones who hired me, the ones who are training me and those who I am to lead.

...Maybe that's my answer right there, more Jesus and what He thinks, sees, knows and is doing in and through me and less of me: less of what everyone else thinks of who I am and what I‘m capable of doing.

Lord, its you I want to impress and ultimately need to please. You ALONE. Please help me to trust your process and to remember that you called me to this job at this time not to fail but maybe Lord, to simply be faithful. To do the best I can with what I have. To seek you with all I am, your truth, your heart, your wisdom and guidance.

Please Father, help me to be faithful and love you more than my reputation: more than my job and more than my fears. Please help me not to shut down but rather to raise my hands to you, to MORE of YOU!

Jeremiah 17:5-10
“This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. Is does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year a drought and never fails to bear fruit.’...’I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.’”

Preparing

2010-04-30T17:38:00.004-05:00

I am less than a month away from beginning my venture in New Orleans for the summer and its just about all I can think about. Even at the end of a long day my mind races with excitement for the three people who will be on my team, the adult leaders I’ll get to work with and the people in the community I will befriend. I like to dream about what the places will look like, how our team chemistry will look and whether or not I’ll like Cajun food. I also wonder about the challenges the Lord has for me and the ways through which He will choose to stretch me.

Although this is tiring as the nights get later and mornings seem to come earlier, I have found it to be a good way to prepare my heart. My list of anxieties quickly becomes a list of prayer requests and I often find myself dreaming through prayer. As a result, many of my apprehensions have already faded and my confidence has grown.

The other day I was thinking through how to prepare myself for the summer and it dawned on me that I have been preparing, in many ways for about nine months.
Look at some of the things that have consumed my time since mid-July of last year:

Learning my way around new cities and trying to understand their unique cultures
Working to make each city my own
Meeting all kinds of new people in various settings for various purposes
Experiencing different types of leadership and all different types of group dynamics
Trying to establish myself and my reputation with no history
Attempting to understand financial issues
Learning food safety regulations
Recognizing how much I love high school students
Putting myself in many, many awkward situations, and of course
Chasing that Wild Goose

Every single one of these things is directly tied into my newest job and adventure.

At the Site Director training a few weeks ago, the Vice President welcomed us by saying that they - the staff - have been praying for us since last August. They obviously didn’t know names or faces then, but God did and they prayed. That means that when I was just beginning my adventure in Denver, He was preparing me for New Orleans. And that list, it is entirely intentional. There is nothing random about what I’m doing with my life in this place and time. It is very much a part of the plan.

That is awesome and it makes me even more excited for whatever comes next!

Some things I'm praying for:

That I would develop an insatiable desire for time with the Lord.
For a special friendship with someone in New Orleans who might need a little extra love or encouragement.
For balance in my transitions over the next few weeks as I go from a relatively quiet and low key life back into the intensity of full time youth ministry.

Mystery Revealed

2010-04-14T21:34:00.004-05:00

Think south...deep south. This summer I have the privilege of living in New Orleans, LA! This means a few things: my site will host only 9-12 graders (as opposed to 6-8 graders and/or multi-generational families) and our projects will most likely consist of plugging into existing service organizations to encourage and learn from them.

I am happy with my assignment and looking forward to experiencing this city so rich in history, culture and muggy awesomeness.

Very early Friday morning (4/16) I fly to Minnesota for the weekend. There I will meet up with half of the other Site Directors, my Area Director and the YouthWorks full time staff. I am so excited that each night is like Christmas Eve. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much.

Thank you so much for all of your encouragement and excitement with me and for me. I can't wait to tell you all about my newest adventure!

Here we go...

2010-04-10T10:16:00.007-05:00

Its hard to believe that I’ve been in Charlotte for almost five months and away from life as I knew it for almost nine. The time has seriously flown and so much has happened since I packed up my car and headed west. Since I made the decision to leave over a year ago, I have never questioned it. The Lord has given me confidence in the adventure and therefore the freedom to make it just that, an adventure. You may have heard me claim it before but Psalm 37:23-24 sums up my experience so far: “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.”

If there has been one recurring fear, however, its been that of a future ministry: Will I have one? What will it looks like? Where will it be and to whom? Will I love it as much as I loved the one I left? Will I get to be apart of an amazing team again? These are the fears that I have had to repeatedly lay at the Lord’s feet. My central fear is that I got my dream-come-true job right out of college and now that I’ve given it up well, its basically down hill from here. I know that this is faulty thinking but nonetheless, it is where my mind takes me all too often. I know the Lord loves to give good gifts to His children, but have I already gotten my best gift? This has become a thick thread of trust in my tapestry of faith.

Today, I am writing with tears in my eyes because I am humbled, grateful and so excited to tell you about my newest amazing gift from the Lord; which is the next leg of my adventure.

I have been offered a summer position with YouthWorks (www.youthworks.com) which is a national organization focused on youth missions. They have 78 locations around the United States and Canada where they plug into the community year-round to build relationships, find needs and connect students to help throughout the summer. Once the summer is over, their staff is working hard to maintain the relationships with their summer staff as well as working on next year’s crew.

The more I learn the more I love this organization. Their heartbeat is so in tune with mine regarding ministry, relationships, service, missions, organization, adventure and youth ministry especially. It is a really great fit.

My specific role is that of Site Director meaning that I will be responsible for three other staff members who will be working directly with the students. I will lead administratively, spiritually and personally. I will also be working with the adult leaders of the church groups that come to our site each week. There are several aspects of this position that I’m comfortable with but there are a few, a big few that I am not as confident in doing. But, thats the adventure, right?

Part of what has made this so exciting thus far has been the interview process. I know that sounds strange because who ever enjoys the interview process. But, these have been unlike any other interviews I’ve gone through. For example, at the end of my third interview the staff member took about five minutes to affirm and encourage me in the answers I gave as well as my heart and my character. He said some of the nicest things to me including the fact that his team was honored I would apply and go through their application process. When he called the following week to offer me the contract, he said “We feel like it would be a shame if we missed out on the opportunity to have you as part of our team this summer.”

I didn’t even know what to say to that. So I cried, quietly.

Several other things about the interviews were God-things, too: questions that I was able to answer based on lessons I’ve been learning the past 9 months, questions that showed me their priorities and how they can best invest in me personally and even my very first interview which started with a hometown connection. You know, I applied for this position on a Sunday evening online. 24 hours later I received a request for an interview. I feel like I have been swept away through this process and I haven’t even started the job yet.

The next few days will be full of paperwork, online courses and running around town to complete all of the pre-training requirements. Next Friday I will finally get to put some faces with voices as I attend my first weekend training in Minnesota.

This is a good gift. A very good gift.

Oh, and did I mention that they haven’t yet told me which of their 78 locations will be mine? :)

Here we go...

Freedom

2009-11-29T20:50:00.002-06:00

Well, this weekend marks two years since the Lord opened my eyes to my bondage to fear...two years since I wrestled with the conviction of submitting to ‘what ifs...’ and worst case scenarios...two years since I sat on a kiddie slide at the park and realized that I am seriously missing out on a great life, the one God has intended for me before I was even born...two years since I embarked on “The Year of No Fear.”

Its fitting that I’m here at my sister’s house again, the very place this process began. It causes me to stop, turn around and look back over the past two years, at all the things I’ve experienced, the people I’ve met, the decisions I’ve made, the conversations I’ve had...the places I’ve been. It has been an incredible two years. Its been an awesome adventure!

On the beside table in the room I get to call my own for a little while, sits a carved wooden angel with her arms stretched wide and high. Knowing these dolls are typically named, I stared at it for a minute and determined that it was called “Angel of Joy” because thats what you do when your heart is full of joy; you stretch out your arms and raise them high in victory, in celebration...in joy. I picked it up and looked at the label on the bottom to see if I was right. I wasn’t. They called this the “Angel of Courage.’

I smiled because this little wooden figurine represents my life over the past two years. Since I gave “The Year of No Fear’ over to the Lord, to follow His leading rather than my fear’s warning, He has and continues to give me the courage to do just that. It was difficult at first, to make the mental choice to dive into situations that were lined with yellow flags in my mind. But, the more I did it, the more we plunged in together, the easier it got.

For instance, last week I was shopping and got stopped by a guy soliciting donations for a local ministry. My typical response to people stuck doing this job is to avoid eye contact at all costs, pick up my pace and sometimes, hold my purse a little tighter. Not this time, though. Without even thinking about it, I took the flyer he offered and found myself asking him questions about his story.

Suffice it to say that more often than not these days, I’m finding myself in the same position as that angel: so full of joy that both of my arms are raised high and wide in victory.

I never would have said that I was in bondage to my fear but now that I’ve tasted freedom from it, I thank the Lord everyday for rescuing me. Again.

Denver is where it started...

2009-10-31T16:50:00.001-05:00

One lesson I have learned since I made the decision to take a year away from life as I knew it is the importance of writing things down. It seems like such life-changing thoughts and decisions would never be forgotten, especially when you have to repeat them over and over but they do. Questions that ignited a passion in my heart get forgotten, emotions that drove my decisions and prayers get buried under constant new ones, confirmations from the Lord blend in with the rest of the happenings. And before you know it, I arrive at a spot where I’m overwhelmed with new emotions, new questions and asking for more confirmation of a decision that I don’t even remember why I made.

It reminds me of the Israelites who were constantly forgetting the bigger picture and evidence of God’s faithfulness to them. Maybe if they had kept a journal while they traveled, they would have noticed the pattern we see and responded differently.

I have been trying to journal the past 6 months in an attempt to remember. Some days its the only string that connects me to the reason for what I’m doing with my life. I’m learning to write when I have moments of clarity so during times of confusion I can be reminded.

Journal entry written August 24, 2009:
I’m struggling with seeking God’s presence over his provision.... I’m here on this whole adventure because I wanted to give up his provision for more of his presence but I find myself constantly in battle and returning to desire for and worrying about his provision...I’m so concerned that I can’t find a job or another ready-made community to plug into. These are the reasons I left and I’m too quick to seek them out again and for what? Security. I want to be able to rest knowing that I have a job, a paycheck, a community, a ministry, a purpose....Father, I’m so sorry that I keep gravitating back to what I left. Please, please help me to seek my security in you; to trust that you know my needs even better than I do; to rest in your goodness and sovereignty.

At some point I think my adventure became synonymous with Colorado so imagine my confusion and surprise when the Lord began gently pulling my hand, as one leading a child, toward a different state; a state very far away from here...a state where 2/3 of my family live, North Carolina. Its impractical to move again after only four months, I just started to get involved out here, I just started connecting with new friends, I was just getting over the sting of leaving and now we’re going to do it all over again?

Journal Entry written July 20, 2009:
This adventure is not about finding a job and an apartment, making new friends or finding a church. Its not about leaving The Chapel or my friends and family back home. Its not about giving up what you’ve given to me or really, even trusting you to provide on this end. Its about you. This whole adventure, its about you and me...together. Its about learning or maybe re-learning how to walk with you.

I’m beginning to realize that when I gave this year to the Lord to do whatever He wanted with me, He took that offer seriously. I have never before felt more fearless, more out-of-control, and more wooed by my heavenly Father than I have in the last five months. I really am just along for the ride, sitting in the passenger seat attentive only to the Driver and the scenery. It is the strangest thing but I think I’m kind of loving it!

November 15 I will be on the road again headed to Charlotte, North Carolina. I get to stay with my sister and brother-in-law for a few weeks and be with my family for the holidays. I am praying for another job to pay my bills, another church to worship with, another community to grow with...for who knows how long and that my GPS will keep working as I learn my way around a new city.

Journal entry October 13, 2009:
Man, if I do go, what an unexpected twist, huh?! :) Who would have thought that the adventure would take this turn. I love it. I love it!

Journal entry October 14, 2009:
What if God’s idea of this adventure is so much bigger than mine?

stream of consciousness...

2009-10-10T16:51:00.002-05:00

“The issue is the way I live my life. And forced for a few moments to stop, I also know that I don’t want to live like this. The very things I’m doing to try to make life happen- all those things that feel so inevitable and unavoidable-are draining me and preventing me from finding the life God offers. If you’re about to run out of gas, the best thing to do is slow way down to conserve fuel so that you can make it to the next station. What I do is gun it. Put the pedal to the metal. No wonder God had to command us to rest. We wouldn’t do it otherwise. Even with the command, we don’t really do it.” - John Eldredge

This was my problem. Well, one of many that I struggled with before I made the decision to leave my life as I knew it. It got even worse when I knew I was leaving. Ministry, ministry, ministry! People, relationships, loving, serving, giving, going, doing...exhausting. It is no one’s fault but my own. I have terrible time management skills when it comes to my personal life. I get from a lot of people and I try to give to even more. But, when, in all of that time do I simply be with the Lord? What time slot is carved out for our mutual and disproportionate giving and getting of each other?

I used to think I was relationally defunct because I craved independence and autonomy above all else. Then the Lord began to open my eyes to see that I need other people and relationships and so subtly that became my driving force, my goal and maybe my god to an extent: Not even the people with whom I was seeking the relationships but relationship itself. All of the energy I put into proving my independence and detaching myself from others I redirected toward building relationships.

And I still didn’t get it right because the life I sought and still seek from those relationships can really only come as a by-product of the life I receive from the Life-Giver. But, I was so busy seeking the fruit that I left no time to stay connected to the Vine. Any good fruit that came from relationships in the past few years is a complete miracle and gift of grace from God. Sadly, I think the fruit of some relationships got stunted as I would pour so much into them and then stop short because another relationship came up needing attention.

Anyway, all of this to say that I was exhausted. I had no time for taking care of myself. I lost sight of the things my heart longed for like truly serving people out of love instead of obligation or service. I neglected my family which they may not admit but for years they have described me in one word; busy. I was too busy for them. I have been a consumer in many of the friendships that I treasure deeply and I cannot tell you the last time I just rested in the Lord. I misplaced my devotion from the One I gave my life to toward ministry, relationships and people - all of which, ironically I couldn’t even fully devote myself to either. Does that make sense?

I know no one’s perfect and that I hold myself to a ridiculously unattainable standard but I’m tired today and frustrated with myself. Last weekend I got to go home for a visit and I’m slightly ashamed at how quickly I jumped right back into the lifestyle I knew I had to leave. I loved seeing so many friends and telling what God is teaching me and falsely pretending like nothing has changed. But by the time I was headed to the airport to return to my new home, I was nauseous. It was the first time I sat still for five days and I was overwhelmed, mostly with exhaustion but also by sadness, fear, memories, gratefulness, regret and pride- in my dad; he too, has taken an enormous, life-changing step of faith and many of the results are visibly evident to everyone who sees him. I was sitting next to a man who was 95 pounds smaller than when I left three months ago. That was overwhelming.

I wasn’t afraid or dreading my return to Colorado. I was actually looking forward to it because not only would I get to slow down and rest but I now have some shallow roots that I was looking forward to getting back to. That, too is a gift from the Lord.

I suppose that-among other things-my weekend home reminded me of why I am doing what I’m doing. I’m taking a year away from life as I knew it to primarily wait on the Lord, to listen more intently, to follow where He leads me and to rest.

John Eldredge pointed out: “I’m pretty sure there isn’t a verse that goes, ‘He leadeth me to utter exhaustion; he runneth me ragged. In fact, doesn’t Jesus say something about his yoke being easy and his burden light? Maybe I have some other yoke on me than the yoke of Christ.’”

Lord, thank you for making me lie down in green pastures, for leading me beside still waters and for restoring my soul. Please help me to follow in paths of righteousness for your name’s sake. I don’t want to be a dumb sheep thinking I have to keep up with the wolves. Lord, help me to rest, to be, to listen, to follow.

Humbling

2009-09-23T22:38:00.003-05:00

One of the things that has been interesting and to be honest, challenging in this little adventure has been re-creating my reputation. I don't mean that like I'm choosing a different one rather, I am having to start from scratch with people from every circle.

No one out here--with the exception of the friends I already had--knows me. They don't know that I have a knack for details and organizing things. They have no idea that I have been in youth ministry for seven years let alone the size of that ministry. They haven't experienced my cooking to know whether or not they should ask me to bring a snack. My international experience, my sense of humor, my work ethic, my happy dance, the fact that I have no filter after 10pm, they have no clue.

When I hang out with new people in social settings, part of me wants to say 'Hey, I am fun! You want to be my friend. I will make you laugh and cry and I will listen to you. Trust me on this." But, to anyone I meet I am simply what they see: a tall female with brown curly hair.

I suppose this is true for any new person you meet-even at home-but I don't think I realized how much I relied on my reputation back home. Working in the youth office at The Chapel for seven years put my name in the homes of many, many families; even if only in print. People knew me and by the time I left, most people knew what I was capable of doing.

So, imagine how humbling it was last week at work when my new boss walked me through, step-by-step setting up an appointment on the computer and then asked another employee to check up on it to make sure I did it right. When this other employee mentioned that I had in fact already been trained in the exercise, his response was simply, "Well, we'll find that out, won't we."

My initial response to this conversation was offense, to be honest. I'm not easily offended but something that really sets me off is when someone doesn't trust me. So, I was annoyed and felt demeaned. But then it occurred to me that at this point, this man or any of these people for that matter, have absolutely no proof that I am trustworthy and capable. I have no reputation with them, much less in the state of Colorado. I have no history here. I am starting at the very beginning.

Once I got over the depressing nature of this thought, it began to seem kind of exciting. Its a part of the adventure that will continue to refine my reputation, work ethic and trustworthiness. I'm certain I've gotten lazy in some areas because I rode the coattails of my reputation. Now, I take it as a challenge to see how quickly I can establish my reputation as capable, dependable, hard-working and trustworthy. I'm choosing not to hold it against anyone, from any circle when they don't embrace me and what I have to offer upon introduction. Instead, I'm taking a few more steps away from my fears of failure, rejection and awkward moments.

I guess we all need a good dose of unexpected humility every once in a while.

Church shopping

2009-09-21T21:10:00.001-05:00

Part of my adventure out here in Colorado has been church shopping. I knew it wasn’t going to be a fun process, nor a quick one. However, I knew that it was an important rite of passage for me to determine for myself, what elements of a particular body of believers are important and attractive to me.

Last time I did this I was in college. Do you know I attended a different church every single semester? One church’s building was too small to accommodate all of the people. Another’s congregation was too small to accommodate an entire pew. One was a very traditional church with entirely too many ‘special music’ performances that really weren’t all that special. The largest church I attended was in London where one of the preachers got so intense he would spit a lot.

I loved the music in the church at the bottom of the hill but I craved the teaching at the one up the hill and around the bend. The community is what brought me back to the church in Belfast and my roommates drove me to one in Angelica.

I worshipped with the Baptists, Methodists, Wesleyans, Anglicans, those from a Bible church and those who chose no denomination at all. It was interesting but still frustrating that I didn’t have one church I felt good about calling my home for my time at school.

That was really mostly my own fault...or entirely. No church is going to be perfect and thats what I was looking for at that time. So, I kept my distance and chose to take from these churches instead of give back.

Well, so here I am again, ‘shopping’ for a body of believers that I want to be a part of, grow with, invest in, learn from and serve. There is no shortage of choices, let me say. I’ve heard that this area (including Colorado Springs) is the Bible belt of the west and I can certainly see why. There is every choice under the sun and new ones popping up every day it seems. Having said that, however, Denver is also the #1 most unchurches city of its size in the United States.

The demographic makeup was the initial choice I needed to investigate. Did I want to try out an inner city congregation, a suburban group, one with people predominantly my age or a multigenerational church.

The next step was my choice of size: house church, church plant, a couple hundred, mega church or multi-campus.

Once I arrive at a new church to visit, I am honed in to three things, 1) the community (from what I can experience in a large group service) 2) the music and 3) the teaching.

The process has been harder than I thought because I am finding multiple elements in various churches that I like. I recognize this as a good thing. :) But, it makes it hard when I want to experience several of my unlimited choices.

To make a long story shorter, I have suspended my search due to the discovery of Journey Church.

From the outside, there really isn’t much to recommend the building. Its tucked inside a plaza (a concept common for churches in this area) that looks outdated and a little rundown. Just last week they installed a brand new sign labeling the building’s contents as such: But even so, its a pretty small sign and easy to miss. If you look to the left of the sign, you can still see the words Tae Kwon Do where the previous tenant had their sign.

Inside, however, it looks nothing like a plaza or a church, really. They have created a worship center inside which holds about 200 chairs. There is a sound booth at the back and a stage that spans the width of the front. The first week I visited, I got there a few minutes late (shocking, I know) and walked into an extremely dark room with very few open seats. I did the classic walk to the front only to find that the two open seats were actually reserved. To the back I went climbing over several people and a baby carrier to the an open spot in the middle of the row.

The band was great and the music was exactly what leads me into worship. The pastor opened his lesson with an interactive prayer wherein we were all encouraged to pray, “Lord, speak to me because I am listening.” Then, we were asked to make the same request for the people to our right and to our left whether we knew them or not. It turns out we are led in this prayer every week, which I love because it urges me to go one step deeper in my relationship with the people around me, another step beyond awkwardly shaking their hand and saying “Good morning!”

Every week I am blown away by the preaching of the Word. As one who has grown up in the church and is familiar with most of the Bible stories, I am loving this pastor’s unfamiliar approach to each passage.

So, this is where I have been attending church for the past few weeks and I love it. It is the most exciting part of my adventure so far. I’ve joined a small group and this past weekend I attended the newcomers lunch to meet the staff and get plugged in.

I think I’m done church shopping...at least for now. I’m settling in. And it feels great!

Journey Church: onthejourney.tv

Perspective

2009-08-31T17:45:00.002-05:00

If I were to describe this past week in a word it would be perspective. Last weekend I had my first major meltdown since making the move to Colorado and while I think its pretty good I held out for six weeks, the timing still surprised me. The week prior was full of activity with interviews, calls for interviews, a job offer and meeting many new friends. I went from no activity in four weeks to several different options in five days and still quickly found myself in tears. I wish I could say they were tears of thanksgiving for some potential light at the end of this quiet tunnel but they weren’t nearly so noble.

These were tears of dissatisfaction, worry, fear and some regret. I couldn’t get this question out of my head: What am I doing with the rest of my life? For those who know me well, you’ll recall that I battle putting that proverbial cart before the horse all too often. Such as the time I was convinced I had to marry a young pastor from Pakistan who was being a bit too forward with me in his vision for our future. There again, I found myself in tears for fear that this was what God had for me. A late night phone call back to the homeland (I was in London at the time) as well as a good night of sleep brought me back to reality and the realization that if God desires this plan for my life, He, too, will clue me in instead of some strange man talking about fine oils and beautiful dresses. Nonetheless, this is what I do occasionally.

In one sense I think it was good to cry. I’ve tried several things for a while now to stave it off such as reading Scripture, praying harder, drinking more coffee, looking for more jobs, making phone calls all basically to distract myself. But that night, I just wanted and needed to cry; to purge the tears that have been bubbling just under the surface for several months now. It kind of felt good to scrunch up my face and let my salty tears flow. It was cleansing.

On the other hand, I now realize that the fears and dissatisfaction mulling around in my head were unhealthy.

One of my favorite authors and speakers, Beth Moore pointed out this truth:

Where I look affects what I hear which affects how I feel which affects what I expect.

Once again I was looking all around me and seeing what everyone else has particularly those my age and younger. What I was hearing is that I am behind and missing out because I don’t have the tangible evidence of a life that is “on track” for someone my age except for a few gray hairs. This left me full of fear especially while staring into an uncertain and seemingly blank future.

“Lord, why am I here? Why did I think this would be fun? Its not....I don’t want this life. Lord, am I ever going to love my life again? I’m sorry that you’re not enough. I want to be okay with whatever you have for me even if it looks different from what others have but right now I’m not.” - my journal

Fortunately God can take my selfishness, faithlessness, fear and honesty and respond with grace, love and forgiveness. This came in the way of several friends who can laugh at me and speak truth into my life. I was reminded that what I’m living in right now is just a season and this particular season is supposed to be fun and full of adventure. This is also a season in which I intended to redirect my focus in several areas of my life so it needs to look different than the lifestyle I’ve known. I’m not here to make a living. I’m not here to advance my career. I’m not here to start a new life and leave my old one behind. I’m here to reclaim the adventure of following the Holy Spirit on my own unique path in God’s perfect time.

Riches I heed not nor man’s empty praise, Thou my inheritance now and always. Thou and Thou only be first in my heart. High King of heaven my treasure Thou art.

...Heart of my own heart whatever befall, still be my vision oh, Ruler of all.

SAME

2009-08-31T17:40:00.002-05:00

Last week I had the opportunity to be a part of something really great. If you can imagine a place where people from any and every demographic are welcome, a place where people in any socioeconomic bracket can be served--a place where people from all of these groups are actually represented--a place where the giving is just as prevalent and rewarding as the taking, you might be picturing the church. Unfortunately, I think the reality of that is only ideal or at least very rare. But, this wasn’t a church. There were no pews, no pulpits, and not a bulletin to be found. There were, however tables with chairs, a stainless steel kitchen and a small chalkboard with a daily changing menu.

While I was hunched over giving each dish the three-step royal treatment--scrub, rinse, sanitize--this is what I saw around me: I saw people come inside who wore too many baggy clothes for a hot day, some who needed more baggy clothes and some whose outfits were perfectly tailored. I saw lots of dreadlocks and canvas bags. There was a stroller beside a table with two women catching up. Everyone wore a smile but some were missing teeth. Some came in groups of two or three while many came alone. I saw all different shades of skin in all depths of cleanliness. But everyone who came in, regardless of their casing and accoutrements had one thing in common: They were hungry.

So they were fed: creamy zucchini basil soup, organic whole wheat pizza with jalapenos and pineapple, Mediterranean salad with cous cous and sugar cookies with a light lemon drip icing. Upon eating their fill, each one contributed what they could. Many slipped money into a box--whatever they could afford or however much they felt their meal was worth--a few picked up a broom and started sweeping, still others grabbed a bucket and rag to wipe down the tables and one or two jumped back into the kitchen to wash dishes. There were a handful who simply placed their used dishes in the tub and left. And that was okay, too. Some came simply to give, some came to take and others a little of both. Thats the ‘circle of life’, so to speak for the SAME Cafe: So All May Eat.

Behind the counter I got to meet Rob who is a television producer, Linda who teaches about nutrition, Anna who is an elementary school teacher and Nancy who was serving while her husband was in meetings all day: She lives in Delaware. John is from Australia and is currently looking for a job. Brad went to culinary school and married Libby who has a business degree. Together they wrote the business plan for this cafe which is socially, economically, environmentally and financially responsible. They serve all organic, nutritious meals to anyone who is hungry and they accept whatever one can give: labor, money, food, support, etc. Whatever you can give.

The other cool thing about it was that each volunteer I worked with found out about the cafe from a different source: Newspaper articles, television reports, a church website, word-of-mouth. Our paths in getting there were varied but once we arrived, our vision and mission became the same. It makes me think of how people come to Jesus in a variety of ways; books, tv shows, church websites, word-of-mouth, etc. But, once we find Him we become unified in our mission and out of that comes the Church.

What makes the cafe so attractive to people in general, I think is the Truth of Love, kindness, grace, mercy, acceptance, provision and every other quality of Christ you can name. I don’t know how many would recognize it as such but ultimately, Jesus was all over that place.

I felt honored to be a part of the cafe that day. So many facets of it appealed to my varied passions; good food, service, people, ministry, etc. I realized later that this is the first time, since I’ve moved here that I’ve approached a new situation with the mentality of what I can give rather than what I can get from these people or this place. It was refreshing to forget about myself for a few hours. I guess thats what happens when we see Jesus. Hmm...

So, I signed up to go back this week.

Cheese curds?

2009-08-21T16:37:00.002-05:00

Breckenridge Adventure

2009-08-21T16:16:00.010-05:00

This past weekend Susan and I took our last adventure together to St Mary’s Glacier and Breckenridge. We made the short but difficult hike up to the glacier and found a treasure of a spot. There was a little lake - which you don’t swim in because it stays around 30 degrees year round - nestled amongst the hills which were splattered with trees, wildflowers, rocks of all sizes and snow. It wasn’t pretty snow, in fact that was the least attractive part of the entire scene. It reminded me of Ohio snow; black and icy. Nonetheless, we hiked with several snowboarders looking to expand the season.

The wind was unforgiving and bitter so we snapped a few photos and climbed back down to defrost and breathe. This was the first time I’ve really felt the altitude in my lungs. Fortunately, Susan is a medical student so I told her I feel very safe on these sometimes unwise adventures with her. I have no fear that she won’t know how to help me should I get hurt. She, on the other hand would not be so lucky.

The shoreline of the glacial lake

St. Mary's

In Breckenridge, a quaint, charming, fun little mountain town we rented bikes for the day. We rode about twenty miles round trip and absolutely loved it for the first ten. We rode to Frisco, a town about 10-12 miles outside of Breck (this is what the locals call it). The whole way out we just kept praising ourselves for this great idea, a fresh way to see the sights, get some exercise and have some fun. Our sentiments on the way back, however, were more along the lines of I am going to die. I can go no further. Water. Air. Lord, I’m coming.

And then my chain fell off. Well, great, doesn’t this just supplement the torture. Nonetheless, slow and steady we made our way back to town and waddled our way to the car for the drive home.

Most of the people to whom I’ve told this story have given the same response: “Oh, the ride to Frisco is great! Beautiful, fun totally worth it.” And with that they stop. The return is rarely mentioned for two reasons, I believe: 1) the memories are too far suppressed or 2) they took the bus back.

Well, now I know and everyday since I have been reminded each time I sit down.

A beautiful restaurant in Breckenridge

See those ski runs?!

More Adventures...

2009-08-21T15:56:00.009-05:00

Another adventure took us to Seven Falls and the Air Force Academy which are down in Colorado Springs (Approx. 1 hour South of home). The Academy is beautiful, just nestled at the foot of the mountains. You really can’t see much of the campus from the highway except for their infamous chapel. Apparently its known for its architecture. We were amazed, however, by the variety of ‘chapels’ it held. The top floor, the one with the fancy spires is the Protestant Chapel and it is the largest of the four. Directly below that is the Catholic Chapel. Behind this one are two more, a Jewish Synagogue and a Buddhist chapel (I don’t know if it qualifies as a temple or not).

What a strange sensation it was to know that in the very same building two different gods were being worshipped and in several different ways. It was definitely a place of worship but it seemed so wrong.

Seven Falls has some beautiful waterfalls that you can climb up alongside. The only catch is that you’re climbing up these narrow, steep steps. I think the sign said 244 steps to the top. It was nerve-racking and beautiful. Once at the top, you had the option to continue on to more water falls or take another, longer hike. We did both and got off the path several times to climb the huge rocks. It was magnificent!

Always off the beaten (and legal) path

Weekend Adventures

2009-08-21T15:44:00.008-05:00

While the weeks have been full of job searching, my weekends have taken me out of the city and into the mountains. A friend from Akron was spending the summer here in Denver working on a medical research project. So, she and I would meet up for the weekends and explore some of the many beautiful spots in Colorado. We’ve gone to Estes Park, which is a summer town (as opposed to year round like many of the mountain towns here which offer skiing) known for its wandering Elk. Apparently, in September and October the Elk come down from the mountains for mating season and wander aimlessly through the town with the tourists. Park Rangers are in full force briskly reminding curious people that these are wild, untrained animals.

Its a site I’m anxious to see although I run from the chipmunks around here so I’m not sure why being five feet from a live Elk looking for a one night stand appeals to me.

It was a very stormy day.

View from our paddleboat

Motorcycles

2009-08-21T15:40:00.005-05:00

I need for you to know how much I love riding on motorcycles. I live with Polly and Doyle and Doyle’s brother is currently on a cross country bike trip with two of his friends. They came roaring up the driveway last night with all of their noise and leather and sunglasses tans. It wasn’t long before I found myself taking down my hair, putting on a helmut and stepping up to straddle one of these motorized beasts. Have you ever sat on one? Or stood very close to one? They are large. This was no motor scooter, my friends. This thing announced its entry and left you in its dust.

And I got to ride it.

It was amazing, especially with the mountains in the background, the sun setting and the open road. I realize that this is beginning to sound like a scene from Top Gun but lets not get carried away.

I began by holding on tightly, very tightly to the handles provided on the side. The first few turns were a little rough as I wasn’t sure whether to lean into the curve or the opposite way as though I alone could counterbalance the weight of the now slanted beast.

As we continued to ride, however, I let loose and let go of the grips. It really didn’t take long for me to lean back, settle in and forget that with one swift move I could fall to my death. It also didn’t take long for me to realize that the cheesy smile on my face had to go. Not only did I look stupid and un-biker-like but my lips kept getting stuck on my teeth which were being blown dry from the wind. It was like when you go to the dentist and they put that spit vacuum in your mouth as the doctor works. No ones mouth produces that much saliva to merit a constant vacuum.

Needless to say, I won’t ever be the same and I’m ready to submit my christmas list.

My crazy week

2009-08-21T15:34:00.002-05:00

Below is a list of things that have happened in my life over the past 8 days:

-Interview for a job at a high school

-Meeting with professors to talk about a masters degree

-Invitation to join one of the professors and his family to church Sunday night

-Coffee with a new friend

-A job offer at the high school

-Call for an interview at a temp agency

-Call for an interview at a university

-Processing the potential of going back to school

-My very first motorcycle ride

-My very first book club meeting - where the next book chosen to read is “Wild Goose Chase”

-Interview at the temp agency that was 2 1/2 hours with testing included

-Potential job lead as an executive assistant in a corporate office

-Lunch with a new friend

-Offer to join an event planning committee for a local non-profit

-Meeting a whole new group of friends who were extremely welcoming

And all of the emotion that goes with so many ups and downs and trying to envision what my near future will look like. Its been quite a week. I don’t know how any of these things are going to pan out, jobs, schooling, friendships, motorcycles but for now, I’m so grateful for all of them. In one sense I feel like things are happening too fast for me to process and analyze them. I’m not sure where to rest my mind. When I close my eyes, though, through the thicket of activity I see the Source from whence it all came, my Jesus. He is standing there with a smile, an arm extended emitting the urge to maintain eye contact.

So, I’m just going with it. All of it and waiting to see the path He clears for me. Its exciting and its crazy and it kind of feels like an adventure.

Practical Update

2009-08-06T15:30:00.003-05:00

I wanted to post some of the more practical things that are happening over here as opposed to just things happening inside my mind. This coming Monday will mark one month since my mom and I packed up the car and began driving west. Its hard to believe its been a month already. It has flown by so quickly and I feel like I’ve only been gone about a week.

My time here has been...slow in a word. It took me all of one day to unpack my things and get settled into my comfy room. Beyond that I’ve been driving all over town and trying to get my bearings. I may have mentioned it before but the roads are pretty much a neat grid which makes getting around fairly easy. Several of the roads go on for miles so if ever I get really lost (which has yet to happen) I can just find one that is familiar, face the direction toward home and keep driving until I arrive. I do have a gps system on my phone but I’ve tried to be disciplined not to use it so as to actually learn this neighborhood. I feel pretty good about it so far.

When I wake up, my biggest decision is typically where to go to set up shop with my computer for the day. Highlands Ranch has a really nice library which offers free wifi so I can often be found camped out at one of the tables with all of my electronic devices: laptop, ipod, cell phone. Another favorite spot is a bookstore called The Tattered Cover which also offers free wifi and a great atmosphere. However, the last time I was in there I unfortunately chose an incessantly squeaky chair. Nothing makes you more aware of your body mass than a chair that alerts the public every time you take a breath.

I spent a few weeks working on my resume which is a very time-consuming process. I hadn’t even looked at it since I graduated from college and I’ve done a few things since then. So, transposing my experience into ‘key words’ and professional phrases took some time. Then I had to keep re-formatting it for all the different ways it needs to be submitted. Most organizations also have an online application that they require in addition to your resume. I spent two hours on an application last week and was exhausted by the time I was finished. Less than 24 hours later I received notification that they are ‘considering other applicants at this time.’ Great and apparently so am I!

I have moments of near panic but the Lord reminds me to remember Him and what He has done and then I continue moving forward. He has also blessed me richly with my friend and mentor (and current roommate), Polly who is in the same boat of unemployment and growing dependence on the Lord. Neither of us is really sure what God is doing with our stories but we’ve both committed to love and obey Him and so we’re walking together for this season, sharing stories, laughing, encouraging each other and eating a whole lot of cake! I am so thankful for her and our friendship.

Here are some fun and interesting facts about this area:

The main grocery store, King Soopers boasts an air curtain instead of front door.
Everywhere you go, even along main roads you will always find a sidewalk. Turns out they are huge proponents of outdoor exercise and so all the developers accommodate for that.
There is a huge, fancy sign along I-25 that says “Highlands Open Space” Well, actually I can’t remember the name of the place exactly but thats not the point. When was the last time you drove past an undeveloped plot of land that was labeled? Just in case anyone was wondering, this here, is open space. There is nothing here. It is open. And, we’ve posted a sign lest you think otherwise.
Property is a hot commodity around here and not a cheap one. Therefore, you will often find million dollar homes on 2.5 acres of land.
I have never seen so many different colored license plates for one state.
Fences make good neighbors...apparently.
Many stores (of all varieties) either post a sign or set out a doggy bowl declaring that they are pet-friendly. Meaning, you and fido can now shop for matching sweaters at the Gap together!

Its fun to notice the differences and learn what makes this area unique. Exploring is what reminds me that this is an adventure, especially on the more boring days. So, this is my life right now. Thanks again, for walking with me.

From a distance

2009-07-31T19:01:00.000-05:00

There are several things that I love to love from a distance; animals, for instance. I love any animal that God has created...from a distance-and even more behind a very large, highly durable yet see-through fence.

Thunder. I love to hear the low, powerful rumble of the clouds clashing into one another.

Movies. I don’t like to sit in the front row: It hurts my neck.

Bagpipes. Enough said.

There was a season of my life when I felt that people, too seemed more enchanting from afar. It was safer to appreciate them at a distance - things get messy when you start to get too close: feelings can get hurt, expectations unmet and awkward moments abound. But, if there is one lesson I’ve learned over the past two years through my ‘year of no fear’ (which has now apparently become the years of no fear) its that the true enchantment of people and relationships is nearly inaccessible without getting close, very close, uncomfortably, personal-space-non-existent close. This is where you see the heart of the people, the very thing that makes them tick and cry and yell and celebrate. And so, in my quest to reject my fears, I’ve entered that sacred circle of many people, allowed many of them to enter mine and found, I think, the heart of God.

Then I left. I moved halfway across the country to a place where I have to start all over in so many ways and now I’m wondering, struggling with how to love people from a distance. How do I maintain the intimacy I had with so many when we are no longer living life together on a daily basis? How do I show them that I love them when my only options are words?

You’ve heard of the five love languages? I go back and forth on mine but one I know for sure is acts of service. There are times when no amount or quality of words I can muster is able to match the sentiment expressed in meeting an immediate need or even simply being with someone (quality time, I’m learning is another one). Being with another allows you to be sad together, happy together, angry, hurt, waiting...together. It means you are not alone.

This is how I feel today, like all I have to offer are words; I love you. I miss you. I’m praying for you. I’m thinking of you. And although they carry every sentiment of my heart, I still feel like they are empty; mere band-aids on a severed limb (ew!)

I feel like the ways I know how to demonstrate my love require physical presence and that is a luxury I do not have at a distance.

What does that mean?

2009-07-22T17:43:00.000-05:00

Typically the first sign of spring are the bright yellow daffodils that begin to poke through the thawing ground. They really don’t have a long life span but serve to carry us through the transition from winter to spring. All too quickly, those once tall leaves of glory fall to the ground as though back asleep until next year. It is at this time that many people simply snip the dead leaves to make room for the other bulbs in the garden that will make their entrance for the summer.

My mom, however has always said to think one step ahead, to next year. If you consolidate the leaves, fold them over and wrap them up while they finish dying, they will feed their bulbs in the process therefore producing more life - flowers- for next spring.

This is one of my favorite spring jobs because it affords me the opportunity to organize and if you know me, I love to organize and put things in place. So the approach I take is to grab a handful of leaves and begin to trace them back to their roots, to the bulb from whence they came. This way, I can neatly compartmentalize each bulb and tie them up nicely.

I realized this spring that this routine was the very picture of how my mind works. When I say certain things or exhibit certain behaviors, I like to trace them back to their root; the beliefs and values that I hold to that result in such behaviors. I often ask, “What value do I place on _______ that results in this action?” Not quite that formerly but you get the idea. For instance, I like to eat healthy foods and exercise (moderately) because I know that I have been given just one body and one life. I want to experience all that God has for me and I feel responsible to be a good steward of this body.

Anyway, once I figure out where things come from, I can address the root and know that most likely, the behavior or opinion or manifestation of some sort will change in time. This helps me to understand myself; who I am, what I believe and how I approach life.

So, if ever you’re wondering how or what I’m doing these days, I’m probably somewhere... tracing daffodils.

Wait on the Lord

2009-07-22T17:07:00.000-05:00

Today I began the day with some time up in Daniel’s Park: an overlook with an incredible vista of the mountains, the plains and a golf course just about 10 minutes from my house. I wanted to spend some time with the Lord uninterrupted. I didn’t really know where to begin in His word so I kind of just sat quietly. I read a few psalms about creation and that was cool to read while looking at the mountains. I imagined Him spreading the heavens like a tent over the earth as I looked at the vast sky above me. Then I tried to picture the waters initially covering the mountains until He gave them their boundaries and they flowed to settle in the valleys.

Then I just sat. And waited. And tried to be inspired or think of something profound. Nothing came. I prayed. And sat. Then I remembered the phrase: wait on the Lord mostly because that song was in my head. So, I determined to go through the entire book of psalms and write down every time it talks about waiting on the Lord and waiting for the Lord. I got to Psalm 18 and was brought to tears, immediately by David’s tender beginning that is so simple, so direct and so very intimate; “I love you, O Lord, my strength.” I think most of the psalms are intimate but this one struck my heart this morning.

He goes on to talk about attributes of the Lord and then David tells the story of how he was mired in evil, he cried out to the Lord and “he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.” He describes how God moved heaven and earth at his command to personally come down and rescue David from the hand of evil - Saul in this case. It was incredible especially as I gazed at the clouds and felt the wind on my face and thought of the scary storm we had last night. What a picture of the God who works on behalf of those who wait for him. (Is 64.4)

I also read the Psalm that says “When the Lord delights in a man’s way, He makes his steps firm and his path straight.” That is so very much my experience on this journey so far. He has clothed each step for me in grace, strength, joy (for the most part) and confidence. I am utterly overwhelmed.

In our time together, I really felt strongly that the Lord was asking me or urging me to simply wait on Him: To seek Him and trust that he will coordinate the other details of my life. Its an active waiting, I think, wherein I still work on my resume and process what I want to do and where I could work. It still includes a search and following up on leads. But ultimately, it looks like my eyes are on Him, my heart is on Him, my mind is on Him, my attention, focus, everything is on...Him.

Help me to do that, Lord. To not allow myself to panic or worry but to keep looking forward and up.

Thank you for today, Father.

I love you, O Lord, my strength.

Well, here it is!

2009-07-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is, my official blog. From the moment I began telling people of my adventure and move to Colorado, I didn’t stop hearing about this blog that was to be the window in my life where tales of this adventure would leak out and allow loved ones to walk it with me. For many of the 22 hours that my mom and I drove west to get here, I was mulling over what I would write about and what I would call it. I’ll spare you the list of suggested titles save for this one, “Laurelyn, the cowgirl of the west.” That one remains on a list of other equally...bad titles.

Then I got here and began to...well, be here. And still people are asking about this great adventure and wanting to be a part of it. But do they really want to know that I found the grocery store today? Or that I went to Starbucks...again because there is one on every corner? I was wondering. Or would they rather know that I’m beginning to feel like I belong simply because I’ve added to my key ring a house key, a super saver card from King Soopers (grocery store) and a library card? All of which identify me as an official resident of the neighborhood. Or deeper still, Do people back home want to know that I don’t experience one new thing without wishing one of them was here in person to experience it with me. Or that the time difference makes me feel claustrophobic.

I’m not sure what to share here but I’m fairly certain it will include a little bit of each layer and all of this enveloped in how God is moving and creating my story. I sat down today and wrote out some things I want to be intentional with during this season one of which was writing. Writing serves a few purposes for me: it helps me to process what I’m living and thinking. It also serves as a meeting place for me and the Lord. Often I’ll begin to write through an experience and find myself writing out a prayer. It also becomes my literary album, which I often look back on to remember where the Lord and I have been.

So, this blog will certainly help in keeping me accountable to writing through this next adventure. I am so honored that you would desire to meet with me here as well. For whatever purpose it serves you--information, entertainment, encouragement--I hope you find this blog...helpful.